By RANDY YOUNGMAN
Golf is a blame game.
Suffice to say, it is a sport that is conducive to making excuses. It is never your fault for what happened, because it is so easy to explain or rationalize a bad shot, a bad decision or a bad round. After all, there are always outside forces that come into play. Right?
There are so many built-in excuses in golf, and I am guessing you have heard – or used – all of them. I know I have.
Let the blame game begin:
** “It’s too cold. The ball isn’t going anywhere.”
** “It’s too hot. The ball is flying too far.”
** “It’s too windy. I’m a terrible wind player.”
** “It’s too early. I’m usually still in bed at this hour.”
** “It’s too slow. I hate weekend golf.”
** “No wonder I’m having a bad day. It just took three hours to play the front nine.”
** “How are you supposed to keep your focus when you’re waiting on every shot?”
** “This game is all about tempo, and I can’t find my rhythm when play is this slow.”
** “Why didn’t you tell me the ball flies farther at this altitude?”
** “I can’t hit shots directly into the sun.”
** “I can’t play in the rain. In fact, it’s stupid to play in the rain.”
** “Needed to hit one more club on that shot.”
** “Needed to hit one less club on that shot.”
** “Why did you let me hit driver?”
** “Shouldn’t have gone for the green, but I need to win a skin. No guts, no glory, right?”
** “These greens are too slow.”
** “These greens are too bumpy.”
** “How are you supposed to putt on greens that were just punched?”
** “I hate poa annua greens, especially in the afternoon.”
** “When was the last time they mowed these greens?”
** “You could lose a small dog in this rough.”
** “Can’t chip on kikuyu grass.”
** “I can’t play with rental clubs. This set is terrible.”
** “Should have warmed up first.”
** “Left my game on the driving range.”
** “I need a lesson.”
** “Wish I hadn’t taken that lesson yesterday. It screwed up my game.”
** “I’m dying of thirst. Where’s the beverage cart?”
** “I need to take my pain medication. Where’s the beverage cart?”
** “I can’t play without a beer. Where’s the beverage cart?”
** “I heard the beverage cart pull up during my backswing.”
** “Don’t stand behind me when I’m teeing off.”
** “Would you please stand still while I’m putting?”
** “Don’t jingle the change in your pocket. How many coins do you need to mark your ball? Geez!”
** “I can’t wait 10 minutes for the green to clear and then hit a good shot. Impossible.”
** “Should have laid up.”
** “Should have hit an iron off the tee.”
** “My boss just called. I knew I shouldn’t have answered the call.”
** “My wife always seems to call when I’m having a career round.”
** “Why don’t other golfers rake their bunkers?”
** “Why don’t other golfers fix their ball marks?”
** “This teebox points you right at the hazard.”
** “Who designed this course –the Marquis de Sade? Oh, Pete Dye. Enough said.”
** “The club slipped on my downswing.”
** “Who coughed during my backswing?”
** “My grips need to be replaced.”
** “I can’t play with him. I could read a book during his pre-shot routine.”
** “I can’t play with him. He never shuts up.”
** “These are new golf shoes, and I think I’m getting a blister.”
** “I know these Titleist Pro V1X’s are good golf balls, but I can’t play a ball with a red number on it.” (Yes, I heard a golfer actually say that!)
** “Why aren’t fairway divots considered ground under repair? I should have got a free drop.”
** “I can’t believe I hooked another one out of bounds. Must be muscle memory.”
** “I hate sidehill lies.”
** “I hate tight lies.”
** “Did you see the bad lie I had on that shot?”
** “This sand is too wet. How do you hit a bunker shot out of mud?”
** “This bunker is like hitting off hardpan.”
** “This crushed marble in these bunkers is nice, but sometimes I’m blinded by the glare.” (Yes, I heard somebody say that, too.)
** “This hole doesn’t set up for my draw.”
** “This hole doesn’t set up for my fade.”
** “I get psyched out when I have to hit over water.”
Stupid sport. Not fair.
Same time next week?
